I Was There -- Breila O'Malley
Dec. 25, 1960
Dear Diary,
I woke up and it was a great day. The white powder fell, and Mutti and I went to a great smelling place with lots of colorful lights and people behind tables. Mutti bought me a sucker for eating! Then we skipped over to my friend Steffi who was visiting. My Mutti and Vati brought a tree in the house. I laughed, why were they bringing a tree in the house?
Jan. 1, 1961
Dear Diary,
Mutti, Jan, Johannes, Vati, and I all celebrated New Years. They said that good luck would be brought to us all this year. Then Vati passed around a bottle and everyone took one sip and blessed the New Years. Except me. Mutti said I could not have any, but I blessed the year anyway.
June 30, 1961
Dear Diary,
I saw Steffi again today. Tomorrow she is going to leave back to her house, but she promises she’ll come again soon! She says her Grandfather is fighting and that she wants to see him again. I hope he finishes fighting soon.
Aug. 2, 1961
Dear Diary,
Today Mutti was very upset. She was around the house and packing small bags with our favorite belongings. My favorite toy was stuffed into a bag. I wonder if we are going on a trip. That would be fun. Vati came home later. He and Mutti had a talk in the kitchen. Vati asked if everything was ready to go. Mutti repeatedly pointed to me. She said that we could not go, not with me being so young. Vati’s forehead got wrinkles. I laughed. “I’ll be fine, Are we going camping? I love camping!” My mother started crying and ran into her room. I don’t know why she was crying. I thought she liked camping. Jan came over and hugged me for a long time. I liked when my sister hugged me, but she didn’t swing me around this time. Johannes just went back to watching the news, it’s been on for a while now. I asked Jan if we were going camping. She said that we were not. She said we were going to move to West Berlin. This made me sad. I liked my home.
Aug. 13, 1961
Dear Diary,
Today I woke up and looked outside. I saw a wall. The wall had not been there yesterday when I looked outside. Maybe they are building a new store. It was very loud downstairs. Mutti and Vati were arguing. Vati said we should have gone when we had the chance. Mutti started crying again. She didn’t usually cry. She said we couldn’t have risked it, not with me being as young as I am. We went outside early today. So did everyone else. We all stared at the wall. I could not see, but Jan picked me up. She said we were separated now. I wondered what that meant.
August 2, 1962
Dear Diary,
It has been almost a year now since the ugly gray barrier was first put up. It has gotten worse. The wall has been extended too. Barbed wire now tops the impending structure. I see it when I wake up. It sits there - taunting. It stands there - Menacing. I still do not fully understand. But I am much more aware than I was when it first went up. I do not like the wall. I do not like my country being split.
December 1, 1962
Dear Diary,
The holidays have rolled around again. There were no markets this year. What little people have they keep for themselves. The house felt glum and empty. I suggested that we see Steffi. I have not seen my friend in years. Mutter said that it was impossible for us to see Steffi. I wondered if Steffi was in trouble and unable to go over to a friends house. Maybe I’ll ask in a couple weeks.
March 19, 1963
Dear Diary,
Today Johannes and Vater were up before the sun. They put on black clothing and silent shoes. I was tired and wanted to sleep. Vater hugged me tight, his eyes wet. He told me he loved me very much. I told him I was sleepy. Vater kissed Mutter and then he and Johannes silently slipped out the door and crept out of the yard. I went back to bed.
I was woken up later by loud BANGS. I pulled off my covers and looked outside. I ran to Mutter’s room, but she wasn’t there. I ran downstairs. She and Jan were there already. I started talking excitedly about how they were setting off those sparkly lights that lit up the sky in different shapes and colors. Fireworks, I think they are called. I asked if we could go and see them. My sister started sobbing and Mutter started to shake uncontrollably. They told me to go back to bed. I asked them if Vater could take me. It had been so long since fireworks were set off. They explained that Vater and Johannes were going to be gone for a while. Mutter said they went to a place better than here. I asked when they were going to be back. Jan yelled at me to go upstairs and stop asking questions. Mutter drew her in and held her tight.
I went back to bed. I did not hear any more fireworks. I can hear Jan crying still. I can still see the bleak wall outside my window. Pretending it had nothing to do with what just happened.
I’m scared.
February 23, 1970
Dear Diary,
It’s my turn to go to the store today. I pulled on my jacket and shimmied into my boots before trudging along to the only convenience store still open in this part. People were already lined up, and waiting to buy one or two meals for an inflated price. I stepped up next to the last person and waited in silence.
We don’t have as much food as we used to. Or as much money. Mutter and Jan had to take up a job after Vater and Johannes tried to cross the wall and find shelter in West Berlin. The plan was for them to swim across, find a job and a car, and then come back and smuggle us out. They didn’t even reach the water.
July 31, 1979
Dear Diary,
Mutter has fallen sick. Jan and I are doing everything we can to help her. However, now that Mutter can no longer work, so it is up to Jan and me to support the three of us. Prices are increasing, even basic bread is so expensive these days. I am worried about our future; Mutter cannot survive on our scarce food stock. There is a tunnel escape to smuggle out an elderly nursing house soon, maybe I will send her along. Jan opposed the idea. I knew she would. She was there the day Vater and my brother made the attempt. She still has nightmares from that night.
All I see are flashes. They come to me sometimes. Jan screaming, Mutter shaking. Sometimes I’m glad I can’t remember. Sometimes I wish someone had told me earlier.
January 10, 1980
Dear Diary,
I fear the stasi. The secret police have tabs on everyone. The watch. They listen. They wait. It is only a matter of time before they strike. Jan and I have been extra careful about what we say.
There is less and less food available now. We give most of what we have to Mutter.
I hear gunshots at night. They wake me from my nightmares. I look outside and pray for each one that has fallen. Nobody can survive much more of this.
The wall needs to come down.
November 8, 1989
Dear Diary,
The air was heavy and gloom hung thick around us. It’s been like that for a while.
That ends today.
The announcement came on previously tonight. They are lifting travel restrictions. Jan and I looked each other, woke Mutter up and grabbed our bags, which have been permanently packed since the rise of the awful wall. We hastened to the checkpoint, there was already a crowd gathered. Finally, finally, They opened the gates. We flooded into the streets of West Berlin. They were waiting for us. Their eyes scanned us, they were looking for friends and family. Maybe Steffi was one of them. Would I recognize her after twenty years? I looked away. I wish I had people on this side waiting for me. I looked at Jan and Mutter. They were what I had now. We’d all survived together.
We went out that night. We cheered as the wall crumbled. We whooped as people banged it. We clapped as it came tumbling down to our feet. I hope they buried it. I hope every last piece and what it stood for was eradicated. I hope we can become one again.
I wish Vater was here to see it. Maybe he was watching. I hope he was.
Dear Diary,
I woke up and it was a great day. The white powder fell, and Mutti and I went to a great smelling place with lots of colorful lights and people behind tables. Mutti bought me a sucker for eating! Then we skipped over to my friend Steffi who was visiting. My Mutti and Vati brought a tree in the house. I laughed, why were they bringing a tree in the house?
Jan. 1, 1961
Dear Diary,
Mutti, Jan, Johannes, Vati, and I all celebrated New Years. They said that good luck would be brought to us all this year. Then Vati passed around a bottle and everyone took one sip and blessed the New Years. Except me. Mutti said I could not have any, but I blessed the year anyway.
June 30, 1961
Dear Diary,
I saw Steffi again today. Tomorrow she is going to leave back to her house, but she promises she’ll come again soon! She says her Grandfather is fighting and that she wants to see him again. I hope he finishes fighting soon.
Aug. 2, 1961
Dear Diary,
Today Mutti was very upset. She was around the house and packing small bags with our favorite belongings. My favorite toy was stuffed into a bag. I wonder if we are going on a trip. That would be fun. Vati came home later. He and Mutti had a talk in the kitchen. Vati asked if everything was ready to go. Mutti repeatedly pointed to me. She said that we could not go, not with me being so young. Vati’s forehead got wrinkles. I laughed. “I’ll be fine, Are we going camping? I love camping!” My mother started crying and ran into her room. I don’t know why she was crying. I thought she liked camping. Jan came over and hugged me for a long time. I liked when my sister hugged me, but she didn’t swing me around this time. Johannes just went back to watching the news, it’s been on for a while now. I asked Jan if we were going camping. She said that we were not. She said we were going to move to West Berlin. This made me sad. I liked my home.
Aug. 13, 1961
Dear Diary,
Today I woke up and looked outside. I saw a wall. The wall had not been there yesterday when I looked outside. Maybe they are building a new store. It was very loud downstairs. Mutti and Vati were arguing. Vati said we should have gone when we had the chance. Mutti started crying again. She didn’t usually cry. She said we couldn’t have risked it, not with me being as young as I am. We went outside early today. So did everyone else. We all stared at the wall. I could not see, but Jan picked me up. She said we were separated now. I wondered what that meant.
August 2, 1962
Dear Diary,
It has been almost a year now since the ugly gray barrier was first put up. It has gotten worse. The wall has been extended too. Barbed wire now tops the impending structure. I see it when I wake up. It sits there - taunting. It stands there - Menacing. I still do not fully understand. But I am much more aware than I was when it first went up. I do not like the wall. I do not like my country being split.
December 1, 1962
Dear Diary,
The holidays have rolled around again. There were no markets this year. What little people have they keep for themselves. The house felt glum and empty. I suggested that we see Steffi. I have not seen my friend in years. Mutter said that it was impossible for us to see Steffi. I wondered if Steffi was in trouble and unable to go over to a friends house. Maybe I’ll ask in a couple weeks.
March 19, 1963
Dear Diary,
Today Johannes and Vater were up before the sun. They put on black clothing and silent shoes. I was tired and wanted to sleep. Vater hugged me tight, his eyes wet. He told me he loved me very much. I told him I was sleepy. Vater kissed Mutter and then he and Johannes silently slipped out the door and crept out of the yard. I went back to bed.
I was woken up later by loud BANGS. I pulled off my covers and looked outside. I ran to Mutter’s room, but she wasn’t there. I ran downstairs. She and Jan were there already. I started talking excitedly about how they were setting off those sparkly lights that lit up the sky in different shapes and colors. Fireworks, I think they are called. I asked if we could go and see them. My sister started sobbing and Mutter started to shake uncontrollably. They told me to go back to bed. I asked them if Vater could take me. It had been so long since fireworks were set off. They explained that Vater and Johannes were going to be gone for a while. Mutter said they went to a place better than here. I asked when they were going to be back. Jan yelled at me to go upstairs and stop asking questions. Mutter drew her in and held her tight.
I went back to bed. I did not hear any more fireworks. I can hear Jan crying still. I can still see the bleak wall outside my window. Pretending it had nothing to do with what just happened.
I’m scared.
February 23, 1970
Dear Diary,
It’s my turn to go to the store today. I pulled on my jacket and shimmied into my boots before trudging along to the only convenience store still open in this part. People were already lined up, and waiting to buy one or two meals for an inflated price. I stepped up next to the last person and waited in silence.
We don’t have as much food as we used to. Or as much money. Mutter and Jan had to take up a job after Vater and Johannes tried to cross the wall and find shelter in West Berlin. The plan was for them to swim across, find a job and a car, and then come back and smuggle us out. They didn’t even reach the water.
July 31, 1979
Dear Diary,
Mutter has fallen sick. Jan and I are doing everything we can to help her. However, now that Mutter can no longer work, so it is up to Jan and me to support the three of us. Prices are increasing, even basic bread is so expensive these days. I am worried about our future; Mutter cannot survive on our scarce food stock. There is a tunnel escape to smuggle out an elderly nursing house soon, maybe I will send her along. Jan opposed the idea. I knew she would. She was there the day Vater and my brother made the attempt. She still has nightmares from that night.
All I see are flashes. They come to me sometimes. Jan screaming, Mutter shaking. Sometimes I’m glad I can’t remember. Sometimes I wish someone had told me earlier.
January 10, 1980
Dear Diary,
I fear the stasi. The secret police have tabs on everyone. The watch. They listen. They wait. It is only a matter of time before they strike. Jan and I have been extra careful about what we say.
There is less and less food available now. We give most of what we have to Mutter.
I hear gunshots at night. They wake me from my nightmares. I look outside and pray for each one that has fallen. Nobody can survive much more of this.
The wall needs to come down.
November 8, 1989
Dear Diary,
The air was heavy and gloom hung thick around us. It’s been like that for a while.
That ends today.
The announcement came on previously tonight. They are lifting travel restrictions. Jan and I looked each other, woke Mutter up and grabbed our bags, which have been permanently packed since the rise of the awful wall. We hastened to the checkpoint, there was already a crowd gathered. Finally, finally, They opened the gates. We flooded into the streets of West Berlin. They were waiting for us. Their eyes scanned us, they were looking for friends and family. Maybe Steffi was one of them. Would I recognize her after twenty years? I looked away. I wish I had people on this side waiting for me. I looked at Jan and Mutter. They were what I had now. We’d all survived together.
We went out that night. We cheered as the wall crumbled. We whooped as people banged it. We clapped as it came tumbling down to our feet. I hope they buried it. I hope every last piece and what it stood for was eradicated. I hope we can become one again.
I wish Vater was here to see it. Maybe he was watching. I hope he was.